You’ve probably heard it said that communication is key. And while that is true, the real question is whether or not you utilize good communication skills. Bad communication may be the key to misunderstandings and conflict, but good communication is packed with benefits.
It’s important to understand that communication is about more than words. In fact, many people believe well over half of communication interpretation comes from body language. People often “hear” what your words don’t say based on body language and the tone of your voice.
My name is Dr. Lonnie Bryant, and my education in counseling included a good deal of learning about communication and body language. I frequently help couples and individuals understand what body language says, even if it doesn’t match what is being said.
Have you ever had someone misunderstand what you are trying to say? Maybe your words were good, but something about your body told them differently.
When you understand body language, you begin to learn how to convey your words and understand someone else’s better. Grasping how to hear what isn’t said improves communication dramatically and elevates relationships.
What is body language?
Body language has been around longer than the written or spoken word. Basically, it involves conscious or sub-conscious non-verbal communication to include mannerisms, expressions, and behaviors. This non-verbal language can build trust, put someone at ease, and improve their mood. On the flip side, it can cause discomfort, confusion, tension, and conflict.
So, whether you mean for it to or not, your body language expresses feelings, thoughts, and emotions to others that may or may not relate to things you say.
And when you learn non-verbal clues, you can pick up on what someone else is telling you without words.
For example, let’s say you enter a room and see someone you know. Does their face “light up” with excitement? Or do they scowl and turn away? Either of these reactions will immediately tell you how they feel about seeing you without saying a word.
Or consider a game of Texas Hold ‘Em. If it’s a high-stakes game with experienced players, chances are high there will be minimal body language going on. Good poker players know how to read body language. If playing against someone who doesn’t have a good “poker face,” they will most likely know if the opponent has a good hand or if they are bluffing.
Body language speaks particularly well for people who interact regularly. For instance, if a spouse’s body language is out-of-the-ordinary, such as rapid speech, avoiding eye contact, or changes in posture, it should tell you something. No matter their words, body language may be telling you what they are really feeling or thinking.
If the body language someone displays is subconscious, they may not even be aware of it. But the changes may be a signal you need to pay attention to.
Some examples of mannerisms and actions that encompass body language include:
- The Eyes
- The Mouth
- The Arms and Legs
- Facial Expressions
- Head Movement
- Posture
- Gestures
- Personal Space
Communication with the Eyes
The eyes are called a window to the soul for a reason. They can reveal a lot about what someone is feeling or thinking.
If someone looks into your eyes while communicating with you, it says they are paying attention and interested in what you have to say. Or it could be a sign of concern and empathy. It can also indicate honesty, just as frequently looking away or breaking eye contact may convey dishonesty.
But prolonged eye contact or a continuous stare, especially if coupled with squinty eyes, may indicate aggression.
If someone can’t look you in the eyes and instead stares at the floor, they may be feeling shame, guilt, inferiority, submission, or boredom.
Also, how frequently someone blinks can be telling you something. Rapid blinking could indicate discomfort or distress. Infrequent blinking could be intentional by someone trying to control their eye movements.
Communicating with The Mouth
The mouth doesn’t just speak verbally; it speaks silently as well. One of the best-known ways to communicate with body language is a smile. But not every smile is equal. Is it a genuine smile that lights up the eyes or a stiff smile that expresses sarcasm or false happiness?
And a smile turned upside down? Frowning displays sadness, hurt, displeasure, or concentration.
Biting on the lower lip may indicate insecurity, worry, anxiety, stress, or fear. Pursed lips could be saying distrust, distaste, or disapproval.
In fact, the mouth can convey so many feelings, it is common for people to cover their mouth when they want to hide their feelings or emotions.
Communication with the Arms and Legs
Have you ever tried talking with someone who has their arms crossed? This disconcerting action often means the person is on the defense or is closed off to whatever you are saying. And crossing your legs away from someone tells them you are uncomfortable around them.
Expanding your arms out could be an attempt to appear commanding, and keeping them close could indicate a desire to not be the center of attention. But if you put your hands on your hips, you might be trying to say you’re in control.
Fidgeting, bouncing a leg, or rapidly tapping your feet or fingers could be telling someone you are frustrated, bored, or impatient. Clasping your hands behind you may convey anger, anxiety, or boredom.
Communicating Through Facial Expressions
Of all the potential facial expressions (and there are many), at least six of them are universal. This means you don’t have to speak someone’s language for them to hear you. Just think about how many times you have seen the following six universal expressions and knew what the person was thinking and feeling:
- Anger
- Fear
- Sadness
- Surprise
- Happiness
- Disgust
While other facial expressions may not be universal, many speak volumes without making a sound. Would you need someone to tell you they aren’t happy with you if they are glaring, scowling, or baring their teeth? Even subtle expressions can reveal what is truly going on. Has someone ever told you they are doing well or that things are fine, but you can see the truth on their face?
Communication with Head Movements
A simple shake or nod of the head tells someone yes or no without words.
Turning the head away says you aren’t interested in the situation, whereas tilting the head towards someone lets them know you are listening.
Dogs are a great example of communicating with head movements. You can tell if they are interested and listening to you or bowing their head in shame.
Communicating with Posture
The way you hold your body communicates a lot about what you are thinking and feeling.
Slouching tells the person you are with that you are bored or uninterested, while straight posture shows focus and interest. And someone wanting to show confidence and dominance may stand tall with their feet wider than usual.
A “closed” posture involves crossing your arms and legs while hunching forward to hide the trunk of your body. Someone with a closed posture may be displaying anxiety, fear, anger, or hostility. “Open” posture, on the other hand, keeps your body exposed and open and indicates willingness and friendliness.
Communicating with Gestures
Gestures, such as pointing, waving, giving a thumbs up or down, and clenching your fists at someone, could be all you need to do to convey your message. In the least, they can significantly clarify something you are saying, such as pointing when giving someone directions or counting on your fingers to innumerate your ideas.
It is a great idea to keep context and culture in mind when considering gestures, however. For instance, a “peace” sign here in the States may be unifying, but in the UK, it can be a crude gesture if you show the back of your hand while doing it.
And while pointing can be helpful in many situations, it doesn’t feel very nice when someone points at you, especially if they point right in your face.
Communication Through Personal Space
We all have our own idea of what constitutes personal space, but there are some general rules. Often, invading someone’s space is done to bully another person. Of course, if your spouse invades your space with a loving expression, the opposite is true.
How close people stand next to each other while interacting tells you a lot about their level of intimacy.
There are four levels of physical distance that are generally accepted. They are:
Intimate Distance: 6-18 Inches
Intimate distances are for people with a very close relationship, such as a spouse and kids. When someone you barely know gets this close, it can cause a great deal of discomfort.
Personal Distance: 1.5-4 Feet
This distance is usually reserved for friends and extended family, although a brief intimate distance often occurs for a hug or to whisper something.
Social Distance: 4-12 Feet
Not many people thought about social distance before 2020, but the pandemic changed this. The appropriate space in social situations is four to twelve feet. Of course, we have all heard six feet is the rule during a pandemic. But outside COVID, four feet is generally far enough for those you are acquainted with, such as a co-worker. Strangers or someone you barely know, however, require more distance.
Public Distance: 12-25 Feet
This is for those who teach, give a presentation, or perform public speaking to put some space between themselves and their audience.
Do you understand non-verbal communication?
In my practice, communication is one of the top issues people need help with. Good communication skills improve relationships and make everyone feel heard.
If your relationship suffers due to a lack of communication skills, isn’t it time to fix that?
Understanding body language is an excellent start to improving your relationship. But it takes more than knowing what certain manners or actions may be saying. Each gesture or expression can mean something different based on context.
It can be challenging to master non-verbal communication but putting it into practice is the first step.
No matter where you are located, I can help if you want to learn more about body language and are interested in building your communication skills toolbox.
The first step is a FREE 20-minute phone consultation with me to determine if we will be a good fit. If you would like to schedule your first session, we can do it in person or virtually.
Call my office at 682-365-2099 today to schedule your free phone call.
